A little background:
At first she would tell me "Mom, I'm NOT stupid, I already know!! and I'm thinking that I'm NOT clairvoyant, so how did I know?
She THEN tells me to email Patty (our wedding planner and a WONDERFUL planner, must tell you more about her) and cc: her if I have any questions.
Soooo...
I did so, about Special Event Insurance.
The SHIT hit the FAN when I innocently told my daughter I was trying to find out a little about insurance. (I was going to pay for it). She went OFF on me and told me that that was what the $500 security fee was for the venue. I tried to explain about medical and if someone was hurt or some of OUR stuff was ripped off, and she got even MORE upset.
She kept saying, "Don't do anything unless I want you to!" and I said ok, but she kept on raising her voice. I asked her, why couldn't she act like an adult and be gracious and just say, "Thanks for the input mom". ?
So she kept on belaboring the point, so I hung up on her.
She tried calling me back 2x, then left this message on my voicemail:
"You want to talk about being and adult and then you hang up on me, that's real adult like. Anyways, do not talk to Patty anymore unless it's on a personal level between you and her, you're no more part of my wedding except for showing up if you want to. This is bullshit, I can't have you freaking trying to run my wedding for me, ok? Just stop talking to Patty about my wedding, if you want to be friends with her, whatever, but DO NOT talk about my wedding".
OK, my thoughts...
Regarding the links in the previous post: I wish I'd read the other links BEFORE being what I THOUGHT WAS 'helpful and caring'. I didn't LISTEN when she told me not to help unless she asked for it, but went on my way researching EVERYTHING anally, smugly believing that when I came up with the answer quickly or headed off an issue, everybody would love me (especially HER!) and think I was wonderful.
Instead, I've now been kicked out of the wedding planning, ordered NOT to talk or communicate with the wedding planner about the wedding, and told this morning with a pointed voice mail that said, "You are no more in the wedding except to show up if you want to".
Pretty harsh words, and it's because I didn't LISTEN to her the first-or second-or third times she told me to NOT HELP HER.
But oh gee, golly, damn, those last four words, "...if you want to."...
"The problem is the relationship. The things the bride is arguing about are just symbols of something bigger between you. Your daughter is getting married and it sounds like both of you are holding something back so [your love] is not unconditional." This is true…my love is not unconditional because I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face and to try to hurt her by only coming to the wedding AND NOTHING ELSE, at no other time UNTIL the wedding. IF I feel like even going. What I feel like doing right now is a) just driving all night and just barely getting there to the wedding (which means that since she said 'show up at the wedding-if you want to', I'd take her literally and show up ONLY at the wedding and NOT the rehearsal!) b) sitting in the back (IF I even GO!) c) cutting off ALL help, funds and advice to her, even when she asks me, d) not calling, taken her calls or even TRYING to make up, even at the expense of seeing my grandson, and by the way, is my pride REALLY worth that? Right now, YES…maybe gimme a week or a month. She’ll miss me and I’ll miss her. But right now she better not ask me to do anything. I paid off the wedding planner and that’s all I promised I’d do.
In the heat of hurt, I was thinking of not going to the wedding at all, and thereby missing her at the alter, missing their kiss, missing the toasts, missing the cake cutting...plus she'd probably never forgive me for decades. She also wouldn't forgive me because her dad (my hubs) said, "If your mother doesn't go, I don't go.". She got a kinda big-eyed almost surprised look on her face.
Advice for Mothers
You don't have to accept every problem as yours, but don't hold grudges that years later will turn into holding onto your anger. You've taught your daughter how to treat you. If you are feeling unappreciated, tell your daughter how you want your relationship to change.
Be clear in your intentions. Saying "Don't call me" and then being upset because she doesn't call sends a mixed message.
Advice for Daughters
Your mother wants to feel loved and appreciated for making you the wonderful adult you are. She wants you to call and sincerely say, "Momma, I miss you," or "How are you?"
Realize it's difficult for some mothers to stop seeing their adult daughters as teenagers.
Be clear in your intentions; you want to be talked to as a full-grown woman. Continue this dialogue, which is very tender right now, woman to woman.
Which one of us can hold out the longest? I betcha I can. But do I want to…?
Seems like I want to see her unhappy as she has made me unhappy, even though I was warned and I went ahead and did research and stuff without her. But I still want to lash out, hurt her even if it means being more hurt myself. IF I go totally through with this virtual rhinoplasty* halfway, 1/3 of the way, all the way, at the end of the wedding day, IS IT WORTH IT? Will I look back on the last 9 months with pride and contempt, or loathing at myself and hating how I’ve lost 9 months with my daughter. So WHAT if she kicked me out of the wedding planning? It’s her wedding, it’s her choice, she’s perfectly within her rights to do so. Who am I to get so butt-hurt (even though I am, BIG TIME) that she’s shutting me out of something she feels SHE needs to do with no help, 'thank you very much, I’m an adult and a quite capable one.'
*cutting off my nose to spite my face
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