For a more serious view of 'What Could Go Wrong', please see the blog post 'Crisis Management For Weddings'.
Plus, being an EMT and a first responder in case of emergencies like earthquakes, accidents, you know, stuff where there's blood involved, I have to be ready for almost any medical emergency, so being prepared for a wedding disaster isn't much different! Ya just gotta figure out some of the 'protocols' that can fix the situation. I'm not only going to bring a bridal emergency kit (more on that later), but also a fully stocked EMT first aid kit as well.
1. The wedding party gets disgustingly drunk and so does your Groom.
2. The cake wasn't sturdy enough. Solution: as soon as you find out, if it's before 8:15, send someone to Sam's club for a couple of sheet cakes then go to Ralph's for some writing icing.
Below is a funny, really bitchin' cake. I put it in here because you might THINK it's a disaster, but it's NOT!
3. Getting food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Like, almost EVERYBODY ends up getting food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner. Preemptive Solution-stay away from chicken or fish. Just go with pasta. Regular solution: damn, maybe wear 2-3 maxi pads, have the MOH quietly carry a folded up paper bag, & have someone in the bridal party tell the officiant to make it a REALLY QUICK ceremony!4. You have to go potty JUST before you walk down the aisle and you have NO CLUE how to maneuver the dress and train, to avoid it getting wet (or worse)!
Solution: this is going over and beyond, but ask a bridesmaid to hold it up for you behind the commode whilst you sit there. (PS-USE THE HANDICAPPED STALL) In your MOB's emergency bag, hopefully she has some of those 'fresh wipes' to catch what you, uh, end up missing...I just can't imagine a bride having to do a #2 soon before the wedding! If it's possible, take OFF the freakin' DRESS!5. You cry during the ceremony and ruin your makeup.
Nobody said the price of beauty is cheap, so if you have the funds, consider having your makeup artist on standby until the reception for a quick touch-up. If that’s not in your budget, you can always request waterproof and smudge-resistant cosmetics or shoot most of your pictures before the ceremony to ensure that you look your best. Another solution-just think to yourself, "It's not my wedding, I'm on a Disney float and I'm Princess Aurora"! and you might not cry.
6. A guest wore WHITE. Solution: ignore the fact they wore white. Everybody ELSE will let them know that it's not proper etiquette and they'll feel really bad anyway.
7. One of the wedding party didn't go to the rehearsal, so they have NO CLUE what to do. Preemptive solution: have someone unofficially video the rehearsal so that the person (if you even still want them in your bridal party!) can see what's been planned.
8. One of the wedding party really REALLY f--ked up their congratulatory reception speech. (Go see the movie 'The Wedding Singer' and you'll know what I mean) Solution-if somebody looks tipsy or whatever, have something written on a piece of paper for them to read.
9. God forbid, one of the wedding party can't make it for a number of reasons (and you know what I mean i.e. they CAN'T make it...EVER AGAIN) Like it was as bad as having your dad or mom pass away just before the wedding. Solution: You must embrace the fact that the grief is going to be part of the day. One thing that may ease the pain just a bit is to acknowledge the loss of the family member during the ceremony and reception. For instance, consider mentioning the person in the program and ask your officiant to explain the situation during the service. At the reception, you can lead a toast to the person or invoke a moment of silence. You can also put a rose in the seat where they'd sit during the ceremony and the reception.
10. You have champagne in your room where you and the bridesmaids are getting ready, and one of the bridesmaids tries to open it. It POPS open and there's champagne EVERYWHERE...on your dress, the bridesmaids dresses, the furniture, EVERYWHERE.
11. A guest sneaked liquor into the reception area or in their car, there was a steady parade of 'friends' to drink out there, they got rowdy and fighting, and the police were called. Solution-THIS is where that Wedding Planner comes in handy!!! She probably has connections inside the Department!
12. You started your period. Your bridesmaids started THEIR periods. The Groom to be is ACTING like he's on HIS period. Solution: maxi pads, Xanax, and a lot of brown nosing.
13. The photog has taken a bitchin' pic of you coming up the aisle but in the pic is someone making a snide 'bitchy face' towards the camera.
Solution...PHOTOSHOP. Preemptive solution-make sure the Groomsmen seat those people who you KNOW are empathetic to you and that THEY'RE on the aisle!
14. One of the female guests gets smashed and starts taking off her clothes. Solution-let her. Big whoop. PHOTOSHOP.
15. There's not enough food at the reception for the guests who WERE INVITED. Solution-Pizza Hut delivers.
16. Because of the younger kids, your reception turns into a food fight reminiscent of the movie, "Animal House". Solution: duck and leave, otherwise it'll look like the 'pie fight' in Blazing Saddles.
17. Your groom throws up at the alter. After-ceremony solution-kitty litter does WONDERS for getting bad liquids up outta carpets or anything. Photog and videog delete those pics. Remember Nixon's 19 minutes of deleted tape? The art of deleting stuff has improved since the '70's. Preemptive solution-make sure everybody eats something and has drunk lots of water if it's hot.
18. You throw up at the alter. See above.
19. Someone has a heart attack at the wedding or the reception. Solution: make sure the MOB is an EMT, or you identify people ahead of time as emergency first responders. Being an EMT, I do this stuff ANYWAY, no matter WHERE I am. And along with that...
19a. One of the bridal party gets hurt i.e. sprained ankle, cut, bruised, etc. Solution-have lots of elastic bandages and those instant ice packs available. If it happens JUST before the ceremony, the hurt person COULD come in through a side door and just stand at the altar vs walking down the aisle.
20. Your MILTB and your Mom are arguing what YOU'RE going to have at the reception; the MILTB says you have to have this and so, your mom says NO WAY you're having that shit. Solution: ELOPE. Like I did.
21. The temperature dropped 20 degrees (or it was 'way higher than everyone thought) from what it was supposed to be, and the bridal party is outside the ceremony site FREEZING OR SWEATING and getting ready to have heat exhaustion. Solution: KNOW what the weather's going to be like! and have the bridesmaids and Bride wear sweats under their dresses, or if the dresses are higher, wear thicker hosiery. Whoever coordinates the wedding probably should have some jackets and if it rains, golf umbrellas or at least trash bags to put over some of the girls. If it's too hot, have fans and cold water available; maybe even cold washcloths for the back of people's necks. I as the MOB will be ordering a LOT of fans from The Knot.com, especially if the weather shows it'll be high. Otherwise, they'll make nice gifts at the reception anyway.
22. Wedding Disaster: The entertainment cancels or doesn’t show up.
Don’t assume because you’ve signed on the dotted line that you’re in the clear. Accidents do happen -- one groom recently told us that the band got in a car accident on their way to the reception so his groomsmen raided a nearby Best Buy in search of CD players and music to entertain guests. Even if your contract is ironclad, make sure you have a backup plan in place. Ask your bridal party to bring their iPods, a laptop, and speakers just in case a disaster does occur. Better to be prepared than stuck in a jam.
23. Not enough alcohol or the alcohol is GONE after 1 hour. Preemptive Solution: Make SURE there's an accurate head count, and you might want to put one bottle of while and one bottle of red on each table to boot. Pay the freakin' corking charge or whatever!
24. Your mother and your MIL start fighting each other for some reason. Preemptive solution: make sure EVERYBODY (especially your mother) takes their Bipolar medication, and have some Xanax on hand.
25. The wedding photographer 'friend' who was really really good had to cancel at the last minute due to a death in the family. You really quickly find a friend of your brothers who says he can do it. Trouble is, he gets so drunk that he can't figure out which end is up, the pics are blurry, and there are NO good pictures are taken! PREEMTIVE SOLUTION: NEVER get a friend to do things that you really really care about! Solution: have someone else there with their cool new camera to take the same shots as the photog.
Another issue is the friends and family who trample over themselves to catch pictures of you on their cell phones/ipads/cameras, and step in the way of the professional photog! They're rude and they DON'T even realize it!!!
For ideas on how to combat this and what the pros REALLY go through, check out this website:
http://www.robertevans.com/tags/avoiding-wedding-day-disasters/
MOST IMPORTANTLY
Don't stress that stuff that you have little or no control over! Just enjoy the day, say to yourself that it's NOT life or death, and keep smiling!
MORE TO COME!
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