Getting a wedding coordinator/planner takes a LOT of research, before you even get one!

You HAVE to know exactly WHAT you need before you can find someone to FILL the need!!


The Bride MUST KNOW what she wants in her wedding, the style of wedding, her vision of what is to happen and her dreams, and ESPECIALLY HER BUDGET!!!

SOME BACKGROUND AS TO WHY I AM GETTIN ONE FOR HER:
There's no such thing as 'true' altruism; we always do things that will help US somehow, even if it's giving without thought to ourselves, we STILL get a good feeling for ourselves from that act, and that's indirectly a benefit. (If you get enough of the 'good feelings' aka 'warm fuzzies', that'll eliminate some therapy!) Nutshell, I'm getting her one for her because it'll directly affect her and her fiance thereby also the baby, thereby indirectly ME.

Please note that I use the therapy reason alot in here...it's just a TOTAL plus to get a wedding planner to NOT NEED therapy!!! TRUST ME ON THIS.
Soooo...

When I told my stay-at-home-mom daughter J that I was going to get her a wedding planner, my thought processes were:
1. I was researching general wedding planning, seeing what I could (quietly) take over, and realized that there's a LOT more to planning a wedding than getting a venue, a DJ, a dress, an officiant, etc!!!
2. I figured that she'd need someone to help her do all her stuff there where she lives, since she has a baby, since her boyfriend/fiancé/Groom to be works every other day and is away from home, & since I'M 900 miles away and I can only wave my magic wand so many times and only at a certain distance (kinda like going out of area with a cellphone), without having to BE there...
AND here's the BIGGIE...
3. I won't have to figure out and DO all those little details that my DAUGHTER wouldn't know, would've forgotten, or tossed of as "Oh, we don't need to do that" when in fact she'll eventually figure out that she WILL need that! I won't have TIME to do all the little details anyway the day of, as MOB! Plus I have a lot of legal and medical shit to do out HERE where I am, so a wedding planner is cost effective in the long run, ESPECIALLY for she and I. It can pay off as an alternative to therapy bills, long-distance cellphone calls, texts and FaceTime fights and tears, not to mention the cost of all that Kleenex. I'm anal, yes, and I'd do the stuff ANYWAY despite being verbally abused, but still, MOB's don't look good after crying or getting 'hate stares' from the bride.

*****Here's a side benefit also...if the BRIDE is less stressed, HOW do you think the Groom will feel, not to mention the wedding party, relatives, etc etc etc??? THAT'S worth it ALONE, for the Groom to not be set upon abused bitched at by the Bride!!!!*****

Some of my research went into different topics, topics that I would NEVER have thought about even with event planning! To avoid redundancy, I've put in some websites where I got most of my information-they're either in the body of my explanation, or at the very bottom. Get ready for a HUGE laundry list!

-What IS this thing called a Wedding Planner & why are they so important?
-What's the difference between a wedding 'planner' and a wedding 'coordinator'?
-What DOES a wedding planner  or wedding coordinator do, and how can she help us? (I say 'she' because a 'she' is the one we're going with, Parties by Patty at http://partiesbypatty.com/Home_Page.php,
Google her. I don't want to give away TOO much of who the guilty parties are in this blog!)
-How much does one cost? She'll save you in therapy bills, grief, tears, angst, all the stuff that you DON'T want to feel just before the wedding! The Bride (or Groom) might EVEN get so frustrated as to CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF and just might DO it, and we wouldn't want that, would we?? So the wedding planner is totally worth it. Don't even bother me about cost. My psychologist will SO be P.O.'d that I'm not going to be financing her Caddy SUV.

I've made a "Priority A" list and a "Priority B" list for services needed. Huh, I probably need a "Priority C" list too, eventually.

WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED A WEDDING PLANNER OR WEDDING COORDINATOR?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE  BETWEEN A PLANNER AND A COORDINATOR?
WHAT DOES A WEDDING PLANNER DO?
HOW CAN SHE HELP US?
HOW MUCH DOES A PLANNER COST? HOW MUCH DOES A COORDINATOR COST?


A Wedding Planner/Coordinator is a lot of things-she is the buffer between you and your wedding party (if you need one), she's a therapist when you get so mad at anyone, she's a calming influence when you're confronted by SO many things to choose from, she's a walking carbon-based calendar who will keep you and everyone else in the wedding party on a schedule, she has contacts in the industry and so vendors know they're not dealing with a novice (aka YOU, as the bride), she can get you deals, and most importantly, she's someone you like, respect, can get in touch with quickly, and someone you can really get along with...so MUCH MUCH MORE.

The difference to me is the title, the certifications gotten, and the fee. Some are flat fee, some are percentage.

What does she do? Basically keep you and your mother (or whoever is helping you) from going nuts. She's cheaper than therapy or a trip to the mental hospital (which, if you DON'T have a wedding planner, can sound pretty good for a forced rest, away from all this shit!).

How much does (s)he cost? Cost really isn't that much of an issue I think because this person is worth MORE than gold; it just depends on how much you want your planner to do. I'd say tap out the credit cards and GET ONE-you will definitely save money.

Try Google-ing "'13 Things Your Wedding Planner Won't Tell You" from Reader's Digest, and
www.frugalbride.com/weddingcoordinatortips.html

This one is more about if you wanted to become a wedding planner, but it still is spot on; Google http://weddingsforaliving.com/wedding-planner-services

Some planners come with packages that range in services and prices.

Examples are:

A basic package can be:
Initial consultation
Power meeting 3 weeks prior to event
Coordination with vendors 2 weeks prior to event
Event day schedule
Attend final venue meeting
Attend final DJ / musician meeting
Rehearsal coordination (2 hrs)
On site coordination day of event (10 hrs)
Set up of linens, décor, centerpieces, favors, etc., as needed
Associate staff at ceremony and reception locations
Gather and return your belongings.

An 'intermediate' package can be everything above, plus additional hours.

A full-service package can be everything in the basic package, plus
Assist with the engagement portrait session
Assist with the dress selection
Assist the bride with gown fittings
Assist in tuxedo selections
Discuss and compile the guest list
Deliver invitations to and from the calligrapher
Assist with stuffing and mailing the invitations (postage costs to be paid by client)
Manage the guest list, RSVPs and meal requests
Help locate and select the wedding transportation; including valet parking, luxury vehicles and specialty cars
Assist with the bridal portrait; transportation of the attire and assisting the bride-to-be during the portrait session
Send reminders to attendants regarding responsibilities, itinerary, etc.
Assist in finalizing seating arrangements
Assist with obtaining the marriage license
Recommend locations for rehearsal dinner, bridal luncheon and post wedding brunch
Arrange and coordinate the bridal party transportation
Arrange and coordinate group transportation for the ceremony and reception guests
Assist in selecting wedding party or family gifts and wrapping, if necessary
Suggest ideas and assemble welcome bags or baskets for out-of-town guests, family and bridal party
Deliver welcome bags or baskets to assigned hotel for check-in distribution
Arrange accommodations for out-of-town guests including hotel blocks
Assist in planning bridal luncheon
Coordinate the rehearsal dinner; including the location, transportation, invitations and décor

And finally, they can consult on an ad hoc or separate services, such as
Decorate the bridal suite
Arrange salon and/or massage appointments
for bridal party or family members
Coordinate only the rehearsal
Coordinate only the ceremony
Coordinate only the reception
Manage the wedding budget
Assist with vendor selection
Create a vendor payment schedule
Create a wedding timeline
Coordinate newspaper announcement(s)
Order and coordinate wedding favors
Assemble and mail invitations
Assist with hotel room block reservations
Plan fun events in the city for out-of-town guests arriving early or staying late
Create and deliver welcome bags or baskets for out-of-town guests
Assist with child guest activities
Coordinate bridal shower
Coordinate engagement party
Coordinate bachelorette party
Coordinate bridal luncheon
Coordinate wedding rehearsal
Coordinate honeymoon
Consult at an hourly rate with a certain amount of hours minimum)

It just depends on the needs you have and the planners you look at.

WARNING: Don't asusme you're going to do it all yourself...take an honest look at WHAT has to be done for your wedding, an HONEST look at how much time you have to spend at this, and THEN decide what services you need!!

Mother's Poem To Her Daughter (who isn't speaking to her monther)

Mother Daughter Poem

I remember the good times,
that we once had...
but still my life,
is oh...so sad

I try to look forward,
but my mind goes back...
because a piece of the glass,
on our portrait is cracked

I try so hard to protect the glass,
I won't let it shatter...
Because you and your love,
are all that matters

My family is all,
that means anything to me...
still...everything always
gets blamed on me

This happens to Moms,
all over the world...
we're supposed to be perfect,
we learn this as girls

I have never been great
or the "best of Moms"...
And, at times I've failed
by some things I've done wrong

For those things I am sorry,
I didn't want you angry...
but please remember,
my eyes are not dry

I hope you can find,
our love that seems lost...
for by my caring and trying to help too much,
came at a very high cost

A piece of my life,
is missing and gone...
And everything feels,
Oh...so wrong

But, there is one thing,
that I can do...
I will be strong,
just for you

One thing I feel,
down deep in my soul...
It's my love for you,
Despite my heart’s big hole

Even though a call or a text, either one you won’t do
I still and will always want the very best for Steve, Stevie and especially you.

I love you, Mess.

Mama

More Funny Stuff

This checklist is here so that you know you're not alone. The bride that doesn't go through at least half of this stuff is the "weirdo". Print this list, tack it up in your room somewhere and see if you can be the "all time champ" and check off every single item. Whatever you don't see here, add it to your list, and don't forget to send it to us. Also keep it in a safe place to hand down to your daughter.

-He didn't get down on one knee.
-He just handed me the box without putting the ring on my finger.
-The damn ring didn't fit.
-He's given me the ring, but can't commit to a wedding day.
-I've got the ring and I hate it, but I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I'll just grin and bare it, all the while I'm hoping to get mugged. "Oh, Honey, look he took my beautiful ring."
-Why don't we argue about: a traditional wedding, a victorian wedding, a modern wedding or why not throw our nationality into the mix.
-The two of us want a small wedding. Our parents want to invite every single person they've ever met.
-We go along with the bigger wedding. We're not happy about it, but get a grip who ever said it was our day anyway. Time to look for a quaint location. OH NO, "No child of mine is going to get married in a place like this. We're going to get you the best hall the city has to offer".
-Someone do me a favour, pull my mother-in-law to be out of my ass!
-We're both of a different faith. I don't care about this but both sets of parents want the ceremony in their own faith.
-I want to get married in a church but I don't attend regularly, so I keep getting turned down. I'm starting to get the "elope" feeling.
-The church is coming up with a list of rules and regulations a mile long. Can't do this, can't do that. That'll cost you extra.
-Then to top it all off we've got those wedding classes to attend.
-Look on the bright side, so far I haven't had anything to do.
-As it is right now our parents have managed to spend anywhere between $6,000 to $10,000.
-You still have to pay for a: florist, DJ, limo, invitations, hair, make-up, favours, photography, videography, decorations and wedding attire. Gifts for each other, your wedding party and your parents. Don't forget the little extras and our future. I know I'm really thinking about eloping now. Just chill, follow the Frugal Bride planners and checklists and they'll walk me through it nicey, nice.
-Get my nerves in check because here comes the shower I didn't want. So make sure I register, that way when I open my gifts I'll know that at least I like them.
-Ah! The dreaded seating plan. Many tears have been shed over this one.
-Where to seat divorced parents and feuding relatives.
-Then there's that uncle that breaks out into song after a couple of drinks. Geez, what will the in-laws think.
-My credit card is maxed and there's still so much to do.
-Someone in my bridal party went and got herself pregnant. The nerve of some people.
-It's 2 weeks before the wedding and my dress isn't ready yet. Oh! God when will this all end.
-I'm not putting one cent into that rehearsal dinner, that's his responsibility. "What do you mean you don't have any money left either. Well ask your parents for it, they're the ones who wanted the big fancy hall."
-Okay, that's it, someone definitely has to pull my mother-in-law to be out of my ass AGAIN! Gonna commit murder!!!!!!
-I didn't realize we needed a permit to take a couple of lousy pictures.
-"If that photographer tells me to tilt my head one more time, I'm gonna kill him."
-"Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
-I checked in with the reception site to confirm the final tally of guests and because I didn't read the small print, now they tell me that the price of our menu has gone up because of some hurricane in Florida six months ago.

Believe us, when we say, we could go on, but we want to leave something to your imagination.

-This one will get you the "Grand Prize". You wake up the morning of the wedding, walk over to the mirror and take a final look at the single you. You give yourself a little smile. You're so happy and proud of all the work you've put into this day. You're relieved to know that if you and your fiance can live through the wedding planning, you can live through anything. This is going to be THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. You stroll to the bathroom with your head held high and close the door. OH SHIT!!! I got my period!!!!!!!!!

Some Funny Stuff-'Signs Of A Psycho Bride' plus a enlightening website.

Signs of a psycho bride

1. You demand that bridesmaids perform fantastic tasks in the name of friendship, including but not limited to: plastic surgery, abortion, and/or quitting job to help full-time with wedding planning.
2. When bridesmaids refuse requests, you burst into tears and scream, "it's supposed to be my day"
3. You often go around bursting into tears and screaming "it's supposed to be my day!"
4. You are incapable of talking about anything except your own wedding, even at the most inappropriate times, such as funerals or wakes.
5. You have an unreasonable paranoia that everyone who cares about you is out to ruin your wedding day.
6. You have a reasonable paranoia that everyone who cares about you is out to ruin your wedding day.
7. Your obsession about weight leads you to ask everyone involved in the wedding, including your seventy year old grandmother, to lose five pounds.
8. Despite more than a millennium of wedding ceremonies, you believe that no one before you has ever planned and successfully executed a wedding and that you are the only person on the planet to make the weighty decision of hiring a caterer.
9. You don't care anything about the groom (groom? who's he? Who cares?) because you are caught up in this elaborate, self-indulgent orchestration of your own girlhood fantasies.
10. You forget (or never understood) that a wedding is supposed to be the celebration of a serious, long term commitment between two people, and not a stage for you to show your friends and enemies how fabulous you look in satin taffeta and a rhinestone tiara.

http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2012/10/the-most-epic-bridezilla-ever.html

Still the same 'ol subject-Mother/Daughter at odds. This info, however, is for the Bride.

This is from a great website, http://www.stayhitched.com/mother.htm

Your Mother and You


The pre-wedding period is a sensitive time for your relationship with your mother. This time often brings closer contact than either of you may be accustomed to.

The increased contact generated by wedding planning and other pre-wedding activities is at odds with the normal developmental task of separation involved in marriage. Your primary family identification and affiliation is shifting from your family of origin to the new family that you and your partner are creating. This can be true even for people who have established a life that is very independent.

The prospect of change can bring up deep feelings for both you and your mother as it comes closer. Nothing could be more natural. How you each express and handle these feelings depends on your personal qualities.
Sometimes problems can result when a mother seeks, consciously or unconsciously, to hang on to the child she is losing--you. Likewise, you may be overly-sensitive to "intrusive" acts by your mother because you may be feeling a little inexperienced in your new role. You'll both be feeling a bit excited and stressed by the change and by the demands of planning a wedding.

Consider talking with your mother about your expectations for the pre-wedding period, the wedding itself and your marriage. Tell her what you want, and ask her about her expectations and wishes. What does she want out of the wedding?

Some mothers have wishes for themselves, but they are afraid to intrude with their desires. They can still get upset if they their expectations aren't met.

Other mothers can be a bit too forthcoming with their own viewpoint. They may assume that you need their advice or that your wishes will be congruent without checking it out with you. You may need to gently, but firmly, set limits with your mother. It's your wedding and your life. Be as firm as you need to be. Talk to your mother about what you really feel and want.
You may hear some of your mother's reservations about your partner. These may be hard for you to listen to. Realize that these are normal. No one could ever be perfect enough to marry her baby. She can't help worrying about your future. Make sure that she knows that you hear her concerns and appreciate her point of view. This doesn't mean that you have to change your viewpoint. Other families become so enthralled with the prospective new member of the family (your partner) that you feel neglected.

Make some special time to spend with your mother, especially time that has nothing to do with wedding planning. Protect some of your time together by making a rule not to talk about the wedding. Take in a movie, go shopping together, spend a few hours at a spa.

This is really the beginning of a process where you will eventually change places. In the long run, you will become increasingly capable and competent, while your mother's may become less strong over time. This is a critical time to your relationship with new patterns and definitions being set that will influence your lives for a long time to come, so devote just a little of your time and energy to it.

Bride/Mother Dynamics, or She Cut Me Out Of The Wedding Planning

A little background:
At first she would tell me "Mom, I'm NOT stupid, I already know!! and I'm thinking that I'm NOT clairvoyant, so how did I know?
She THEN tells me to email Patty (our wedding planner and a WONDERFUL planner, must tell you more about her) and cc: her if I have any questions.
Soooo...
I did so, about Special Event Insurance.

The SHIT hit the FAN when I innocently told my daughter I was trying to find out a little about insurance. (I was going to pay for it). She went OFF on me and told me that that was what the $500 security fee was for the venue. I tried to explain about medical and if someone was hurt or some of OUR stuff was ripped off, and she got even MORE upset.
She kept saying, "Don't do anything unless I want you to!" and I said ok, but she kept on raising her voice. I asked her, why couldn't she act like an adult and be gracious and just say, "Thanks for the input mom". ?
So she kept on belaboring the point, so I hung up on her.

She tried calling me back 2x, then left this message on my voicemail:
"You want to talk about being and adult and then you hang up on me, that's real adult like. Anyways, do not talk to Patty anymore unless it's on a personal level between you and her, you're no more part of my wedding except for showing up if you want to. This is bullshit, I can't have you freaking trying to run my wedding for me, ok? Just stop talking to Patty about my wedding, if you want to be friends with her, whatever, but DO NOT talk about my wedding".

OK, my thoughts...

Regarding the links in the previous post: I wish I'd read the other links BEFORE being what I THOUGHT WAS 'helpful and caring'. I didn't LISTEN when she told me not to help unless she asked for it, but went on my way researching EVERYTHING anally, smugly believing that when I came up with the answer quickly or headed off an issue, everybody would love me (especially HER!) and think I was wonderful.
Instead, I've now been kicked out of the wedding planning, ordered NOT to talk or communicate with the wedding planner about the wedding, and told this morning with a pointed voice mail that said, "You are no more in the wedding except to show up if you want to".
Pretty harsh words, and it's because I didn't LISTEN to her the first-or second-or third times she told me to NOT HELP HER.
But oh gee, golly, damn, those last four words, "...if you want to."...

"The problem is the relationship. The things the bride is arguing about are just symbols of something bigger between you. Your daughter is getting married and it sounds like both of you are holding something back so [your love] is not unconditional." This is true…my love is not unconditional because I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face and to try to hurt her by only coming to the wedding AND NOTHING ELSE, at no other time UNTIL the wedding. IF I feel like even going. What I feel like doing right now is a) just driving all night and just barely getting there to the wedding (which means that since she said 'show up at the wedding-if you want to', I'd take her literally and show up ONLY at the wedding and NOT the rehearsal!) b) sitting in the back (IF I even GO!) c) cutting off ALL help, funds and advice to her, even when she asks me, d) not calling, taken her calls or even TRYING to make up, even at the expense of seeing my grandson, and by the way, is my pride REALLY worth that? Right now, YES…maybe gimme a week or a month. She’ll miss me and I’ll miss her. But right now she better not ask me to do anything. I paid off the wedding planner and that’s all I promised I’d do.
In the heat of hurt, I was thinking of not going to the wedding at all, and thereby missing her at the alter, missing their kiss, missing the toasts, missing the cake cutting...plus she'd probably never forgive me for decades. She also wouldn't forgive me because her dad (my hubs) said, "If your mother doesn't go, I don't go.". She got a kinda big-eyed almost surprised look on her face.

Advice for Mothers
You don't have to accept every problem as yours, but don't hold grudges that years later will turn into holding onto your anger. You've taught your daughter how to treat you. If you are feeling unappreciated, tell your daughter how you want your relationship to change.
Be clear in your intentions. Saying "Don't call me" and then being upset because she doesn't call sends a mixed message.
Advice for Daughters
Your mother wants to feel loved and appreciated for making you the wonderful adult you are. She wants you to call and sincerely say, "Momma, I miss you," or "How are you?"
Realize it's difficult for some mothers to stop seeing their adult daughters as teenagers.
Be clear in your intentions; you want to be talked to as a full-grown woman. Continue this dialogue, which is very tender right now, woman to woman.

Which one of us can hold out the longest? I betcha I can. But do I want to…?
Seems like I want to see her unhappy as she has made me unhappy, even though I was warned and I went ahead and did research and stuff without her. But I still want to lash out, hurt her even if it means being more hurt myself. IF I go totally through with this virtual rhinoplasty* halfway, 1/3 of the way, all the way, at the end of the wedding day, IS IT WORTH IT? Will I look back on the last 9 months with pride and contempt, or loathing at myself and hating how I’ve lost 9 months with my daughter. So WHAT if she kicked me out of the wedding planning? It’s her wedding, it’s her choice, she’s perfectly within her rights to do so. Who am I to get so butt-hurt (even though I am, BIG TIME) that she’s shutting me out of something she feels SHE needs to do with no help, 'thank you very much, I’m an adult and a quite capable one.'

*cutting off my nose to spite my face

Some links for mother/bride dynamics

http://www.albumboutique.com/blog/wedding-tips/shawns-suggestions-planners-observations-motherdaughter-wedding-dynamic-2/
http://www.netplaces.com/mother-of-the-bride/your-responsibilities/how-to-avoid-the-pushy-mob-label.htm

http://voices.yahoo.com/wedding-planning-avoiding-mother-daughter-conflict-239740.html

http://www.celebratewithstyle.com/site/survival-guide-tips-for-the-mother-of-bride
The above one kinda is touchy to me, because we were at their house the weekend of June 21st 2013 and she was planning on having her MOH (Maid of Honor) come out on the train and take her, the MOG (Mother of Groom), BM2, BM3 (who was later kicked out for not agreeing with my daughter on something, daughter demanded she apologize, BM3 said 'Ok, I'll apologize if you want' and daughter said no, I want a true apology. Wasn't happenin', didn't happen, BM3 kicked out. Anyway, she planned on dress shopping AFTER I left. Don't know if it was intentional or not, but it hurt...a little. She ended up with a FABULOUS dress and very good price (especially when I texted her and told her the sale was only until July 1st), and she bought it. She looked like a PRINCESS.


http://www.netplaces.com/mother-of-the-bride/your-responsibilities/above-and-beyond.htm

I just wish I had looked at these websites before I got involved.
Please note that I'm STILL involved, talking to Patty our wedding planner on a generic 'what if?' basis, like not SPECIFICALLY about the wedding, but writing and speaking generalizations, as if I was bemusing someone ELSE'S wedding...using lots of 'hypothetically's' and 'WHAT IF's'.

I feel sad and got teary-eyed at her voicemail on July 30 2013, but when I go online and research this type of thing, I feel a little better, until the NEXT day, when I notice she's 'unfriended' me from Facebook. I mean, I can still go on her fiance's site and see what's going on, but again, it hurts.
Just because she gets mad at what she says is my 'trying to run her wedding for her', does that necessitate HURTING me?